I grew up during the 50's and 60's, and had a fairly normal childhood. My dad was a salesman for a major dairy company, and my mom was a home-maker. I had two older brothers as well. I didn't realize it then, but my family was heading for certain destruction. My dad was a very violent man. He abused my mother terribly, and he abused my brothers and I as well. There were many very nasty confrontations in our home, and one day my mother had finally had enough. My dad was told to leave. It was 1965, I was twelve years old. My brothers had both moved out long before this, and I was now left with just my mom.
From this moment on it was shear torment. My mom constantly told me how horrible my dad was, and that everything was his fault. My dad constantly told me it was all my mom's fault. I was somewhere in the middle falling through the cracks, thinking I was horrible and that it was all my fault.
My mother had become very depressed. She began to take prescription drugs, and she started drinking a lot as well. She tried a few times to take her own life, but unsuccessfully. My dad started investing in businesses. He poured his life into making money, and hiding it from my mom. Me? I was pretty much forgotten about. My oldest brother came to my rescue. We started sharing a love for hot rods, and custom cars. We did many things together. He became my dad during those years. He was the man I looked up to. The man I wanted to be like.
I got my first job at the age of fourteen. I worked in a small warehouse loading trucks. That job allowed me to save for my first car. It was a 1949 Chevy, and cost me $35! The next few years were hard. I watched my brother get kicked out of the military. He ended up with a dishonorable discharge. A short time later he found himself in a federal prison for car theft. I stood by him through everything, after all, he was the man I looked up to, and wanted to be like. One night I visited my brother, and his family. I was fifteen. They were smoking pot, and asked me if I cared to join in. Of course I did. If my brother was doing it, it had to be okay. He also allowed me to drink at his home. This was the beginning of my nightmare!
Home life for me? There was none any longer. I did pretty much as I pleased. No one cared anymore. Well I started smoking. My use of street drugs grew. I was smoking pot daily. I used LSD at least once per week, often it was more than that. I smoked opium, and hash. I really fell in love with uppers (speed). But then I needed downers to bring me back from my speed high. It was a horrible cycle. I also began to drink very heavily. By the time I was seventeen I was an alcoholic. By the time I was nineteen I was addicted to cocaine, amphetamines, and heroin. Where was my brother in all of this? The man I wanted to be like? He wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He said I was useless. He wanted nothing to do with someone who did drugs, drank, was in jail, etc.
I was a mess. I was in jail several times for theft. I stole things in order to sell them and get money for drugs. I truly didn't care anymore who I hurt. Mainly, I was hurting myself. At this point in my life I blamed everyone for what I had become. I blamed my dad. I blamed my mom. I mostly blamed my brother. He started me on drugs, and drinking, but then when the drugs and drinking took control of me, he abandoned me. He turned his back on me when I needed him most. He never cared how much he hurt me. He was the only person I trusted anymore, and he just dumped me like yesterdays trash. I haven't spoken with my brother now in more than twenty-three years. I miss him a lot sometimes!
My life was such a total mess. I used women for only one thing - to satisfy my desires. I continued my drug use, and drinking for a few more years. I came very close to death many times. No one knew. My life had become meaningless. I was an empty shell just wandering through life. I went on day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. I was alone, and I didn't care. My drug friends had deserted me. My drinking buddies had deserted me. I was turning very mean and violent. I didn't care. I truly didn't care anymore if I lived or died. I had no hope. Even though I wasn't aware of it, God's Spirit was calling me. Even through my darkest hours, God was reaching out to me. I wasn't ready yet. I hurt so many people. I guess I felt so hurt and betrayed, I just wanted to hurt back.
It is now 1978. By now, God has cleaned me of some of my addictions. He was making me ready for something He had in mind. I had now met the love of my life. We were married in June of 1979, and in July of the same year we had our first child...a girl. I had no idea what was going on. Things were beginning to change, and at the time I didn't know why. Our marriage was anything but loving and good. We fought constantly. I was very abusive. This went on for several years. We had our second child in 1983...a boy. He was born with very severe birth defects and passed away in 1985. We had another boy in 1988, and another girl in 1989. During these years I was able to quit all drugs, and give up drinking. Our marriage was still rocky. I wasn't a good husband or dad. Something I will always be ashamed of. During all this my health was failing. I suffer with severe back problems. I had open heart surgery in 2000 to replace my aortic valve. While the immediate concerns were taken care of, I will still suffer the rest of my life with a less than perfect heart. There will always be a certain amount of heart disease present. God was still tugging at my heart through all these things. In February of 2002 someone shared some Scripture with me. At that very moment my heart was opened, and so were my eyes. I was given a bible. I was referred to a local church. Within a few short weeks, I had given my life to Jesus Christ, and nothing has been the same since. During all those years God was calling me, but I refused to hear it. I shrugged it off. But God had been bringing change to my life even though I didn't realize it. He was remaking me from the inside out. So many times He pulled me back from the brink of death. I could not have quit drinking and drugs if not for Him. I no longer blame anyone for who I had been. I made the choices. I placed my trust in people and things, instead of God. People and things will always let you down. They will always disappoint. We are all sinners. All of us. There is none righteous, no not one. But I found out God loves me. Maybe my mom and dad never loved me. Maybe my brothers never loved me. Maybe no one ever loved me. But my heavenly Father loves me so much, He gave His only Son that I might have life (John 3:16).
My wife and I, and our son have fully committed our lives to Jesus Christ. Our Lord, Savior, King, and Friend. We can be found on Sunday mornings at Calvary Chapel, worshipping and praising Him with fellow believers. My wife stuck with me through it all, and I thank God for that. God stuck with me too. Thank you Father, for never giving up on me. Such a weight has been removed from me. My mom died in 1997 from cancer, and my dad died in 1993 from a self-inflicted gunshot wound (suicide). My brother still won't talk with me. Bro...I love you! While all these things still hurt at times, what really matters to me is Jesus! He is first in my heart, and always will be. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not perfect. I still stumble and fall at times. But Jesus lifts me back up and helps me to start anew. I no longer lay blame on anyone. For anything. I made my choices in life, and I accept all responsibility for them. I have forgiven and moved on.
Would you like to know Jesus? You can have a loving relationship with Him this very day! You have a choice to make. Search your heart, and if you have not yet done so, please call on the name of the Lord! If you would like help with a prayer, you may use the following:
Dear Heavenly Father, I confess that I have sinned against heaven and in your sight and need forgiveness. Thank you for sending your Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins, according to the Scriptures, and I thank you for raising Him from the dead. Today I ask Him to come into my heart to cleanse me from my sin and become my Lord and Savior. I give myself to you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen!
It is my hope that God led you to my story, and that you are ready to put your faith in Jesus. Remember always, God loves you, and He wants you to come back to His loving arms! Jesus died on the cross. He offers salvation to us all, and all we have to do is accept it! What a loving, and glorious God we have!
"One thing I know: that though I was blind, now I see." - John 9:25
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." - John 3:16
"And Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst." - John 6:35
"...whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." - Romans 10:13
Praise Him!
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